Sandy Hook Bay is covered in a...sheen. That's the terminology that a coalition of government agencies—including the U.S. Coast Guard, the Department of Environmental Protection, the National Parks Service and New Jersey Office of Emergency Management—collectively settled on to describe the shimmering layer of probable filth blanketing a two-mile long stretch of the waterway.

When attempting to determine the makeup of the mystery sheen, it's most effective to begin with what it's not. According to a press release, the Coast Guard has apparently ruled out the possibility that it's an oil slick. What else makes a sheen if not oil? (There will be no limp Two and a Half Men quips in the forthcoming lines, I promise.)

We know that the sheen was first discovered yesterday just before 2:30 p.m. At the time, it was measured at roughly 300 yards wide and two miles long.

We know that as of 11 a.m., "the morning overflight of the area found a reduced sheen of 50 yards by 1 mile."

We know that "the color of the sheen has changed to silver metallic and is no longer rainbow colored. The sheen is non-recoverable."

And, "responders are working to determine the source of the sheen."

What the hell is it? Did an alien space ship empty its lavatory waste over the bay? Do you have any idea how hard it is not to make a Jersey Shore hair gel joke right now? Submit your best guess in the comments while we await further details.