Even stacks of cash can't steady the frenetic bouncing of teenage hormones, a ground-breaking story in today's Post reveals.

The tabloid seems stunned that the city's private school-attending elite prefer the same low-brow drunken grope-fests as countless other poorer, uglier teenagers across the state, country and even the globe! Well, not exactly the same. Where less-fortunate teens may be forced to engage in illicit coitus next to lost pocket change and mummified fries in the backs of their parent's beat-up Subarus, Horace Mann teens can fumble with Italian-crafted button flies on the buttery leather of their own Jaguar XE Roadsters. Where broke teens throw parties in each other's dank, shag-carpeted basements under the watchful eyes of Dogs Playing Poker, Rich Teens rent out the same swanky nightclubs and lofts enjoyed by Actual Wealthy People. Having never seen Cruel Intentions, Horace Mann officials are understandably alarmed by these events.

“Going to these events is not in your children’s best interests,” a recent letter warned parents. Though no alcohol is served at the events themselves, party-goers tend to pregame, often to disastrous effects. A recent article from the Horace Mann Record elaborates:

Students often pre-game, consuming large amounts of alcohol in a short amount of time before arriving at parties of this kind, Health educator Peggy Hartmann said. Some students drink up to four or five shots of hard liquor, which puts them in danger of passing out, she said.

“There’s no alcohol at the party, so people drink beforehand, leading to a not necessarily safe environment,” an alumnus who organized parties said.

An editorial in the school paper asserts, correctly, that you can't keep teenagers trapped in gilded towers forever. "Our experiences have found that because the school’s letter said that “going to these events in not in your children’s best interests,” many parents follow the school’s advice and try to keep their kids home," it reads. "But students, feeling pressure to attend these commercial events, may feel pressured to lie, attending without a parent’s permission."

What other story ideas will the Post filch from a high school newspaper? Hint: We heard the Daily News is going with Improv Club Improves Acting Techniques for tomorrow's cover—that one's for free, NYP.