Human Nickelodeon slime Ted Cruz—alleged Zodiac Killer, Princess Bride enthusiast, failed presidential candidate—briefly managed to overcome the moment in which he swallowed a tonsil stone on national television when he refused to endorse Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention, instead urging party members to "vote your conscience." Unfortunately, it appears Cruz's conscience was eaten by the hookworm that lives inside him, and now he's endorsed Trump.
Politico reported today that "multiple sources" close to Cruz confirmed the Texas senator and aspiring Broadway star will "indicate" support for Trump. And indeed, in a long, rambling Facebook post, this living Garbage Pail Kid did just that:
After many months of careful consideration, of prayer and searching my own conscience, I have decided that on Election Day, I will vote for the Republican nominee, Donald Trump. I’ve made this decision for two reasons. First, last year, I promised to support the Republican nominee. And I intend to keep my word. Second, even though I have had areas of significant disagreement with our nominee, by any measure Hillary Clinton is wholly unacceptable — that’s why I have always been #NeverHillary...
...If Clinton wins, we know — with 100% certainty — that she would deliver on her left-wing promises, with devastating results for our country.
My conscience tells me I must do whatever I can to stop that.
We also have seen, over the past few weeks and months, a Trump campaign focusing more and more on freedom — including emphasizing school choice and the power of economic growth to lift African-Americans and Hispanics to prosperity.
Finally, after eight years of a lawless Obama administration, targeting and persecuting those disfavored by the administration, fidelity to the rule of law has never been more important.
The Supreme Court will be critical in preserving the rule of law. And, if the next administration fails to honor the Constitution and Bill of Rights, then I hope that Republicans and Democrats will stand united in protecting our fundamental liberties.
Our country is in crisis. Hillary Clinton is manifestly unfit to be president, and her policies would harm millions of Americans. And Donald Trump is the only thing standing in her way.
A year ago, I pledged to endorse the Republican nominee, and I am honoring that commitment. And if you don’t want to see a Hillary Clinton presidency, I encourage you to vote for him.
This is shocking—one of Cruz's best/only palatable qualities, along with this cool handshake, was his refusal to back down on the Donald, unlike some people. Cruz risked his Senate seat by bucking the party line, and in the process lost all his friends.
Just kidding, Cruz never had any friends! But either way, Cruz took a gamble, and it looks like he's afraid that gamble's not going to take off. Way to stand up for your principles, Ted—what would your children (who hate you) think?
Wow, a cow made of butter. My girls would love it. In fact, the first sentence Caroline ever said was "I like butter" pic.twitter.com/TzBZJmVFKT
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) August 9, 2014
Anyway, Ted Cruz sucks. In other news, noted political scientist Kim Kardashian told Wonderland magazine she was initially "so Hillary [Clinton]," but after having a long discussion with fellow political scientist/Trump supporter Caitlin Jenner, she's "on the fence." Fine, Taylor Swift, I'll join your stupid #squad.