Do we live in New York City? No! We live in feudal England, with vassals and frankalmoinage and layers and layers of petticoats to dig through before locating so much as an 1/8 cubit of elbow skin. Your earlobes aren't wearing their petticoats? You have angered a vengeful, Old Testament God and you can look forward to being smited during your next shower.

Spa Castle Premier, the dignified older aunt to Spa Castle in College Point, Queens, is set to open in Turtle Bay later this month, to the near universal glee of anyone who loves catching up with friends in a vat of hot water over a cheese plate. But some *cough* residents moldering in the adjacent Ritz Tower don't relish the idea of strangers disrobing in such close proximity to their horse hair settees. What will the pomeranians think!

According to the NY Post, the tower's board is suing the Galleria Building, three floors of which will soon be dedicated to Spa Castle. Here's the ugliest sentence to ever sully the English language: "The luxe residential skyscraper’s board sniffs in a new Manhattan Supreme Court suit​ ​that the mega-spa’s bathing in the buff policy 'violates public morals​.'" The same public morals that allow us to commute to and from work under the protective watch of a goopy Performance Art Condom?

As a bonus whine, the rooftop, on which bathers can lounge (IN THEIR BATHING SUITS, you puritanical harpies!) is blocking the stellar view of the Appalachian Mountains, where, if you rise early enough, you can watch puffins collect neighborhood children with which to line their nests. Look to the edge of the rolling Manhattan Prairies—see that silver ribbon winding through the vast expanse of green? That's the Euphrates River. These majestic, sweeping views will be summarily destroyed if Spa Castle is allowed to go forth with their plans.

Which it will. The board sent its cease and desist letter in September, and the suit said construction has only accelerated since then. When it opens later this month, be sure to raise a cheese cube to old Bunny Vandersnickle in 1D. She'll pretend to be absorbed de-linting the tapestries, but she's definitely watching.