TSA screeners at Newark yesterday "detected what appeared to be a hand grenade inside a piece of luggage," and explosive specialists were called to the scene. Turns out it was a grenade torch lighter that every American male ages 13 to 17 who has visited Coney Island or an equivalent coastal region (see the Adolescent Airbrush T-Shirt Act of 1993) is legally required to play with at least once.

Obviously, replicas of weapons aren't allowed in carry-on luggage, and torch lighters of ANY kind are not permitted on carry-on bags. Torch lighters that play "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and display partial nudity MAY pass if your TSA screener is badass enough. If you must take an irritating, worthless piece of shit with you on board, laser pointers are 100% legit, and so are Joel Olsteen's books.

The TSA's smartphone app is pretty nifty if you're trying to determine what passes muster in the security theater apparatus and what doesn't, plus it has wait times for security checkpoints.