Last night, a DEA raid on a Bronx apartment suspected of concealing a heroin-processing operation yielded millions of dollars worth of the opiate. More alarmingly, however, the drugs were stashed in plastic bags labeled with brand names like "NFL," "iPhone," "Olympics 2012," "McDonalds" and "Lady Gaga," proving that there's no end to the societal evils permeated by nefarious capitalistic corporate overlords. That PepsiCo pop-up tent is obviously a drug front.

Investigators found 13 kilograms of heroin in the Williamsbridge apartment, located on Wallace Ave near Arnow Ave. According to authorities, the apartment had been under surveillance for suspected heroin distribution for some time, and they made the bust after a suspect brought two bags and a green box into the building.

In addition to the drugs, they also found scales, 18 coffee grinders, baking soda, face masks and a wide array of dime bags bearing the aforemetioned corporate and pop cultural stamps; there was also a batch dubbed "GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN," which likely pairs well with the "Obama Care" heroin that popped up in Massachusetts last month. Manufacturing heroin does not preclude you from being on top of current events.

Suspects Augustin Rivera, 36, and Cristino Then, 25, were arrested and are expected to be arraigned on drug charges this afternoon. Meanwhile, if you happen to have a few bags of "iPhone" heroin in your possession, note that a recognizable brand name does not necessarily yield a better product, as proved by the dangerous Bud Light heroin that killed at least two people in New Jersey earlier this month.