Mayor de Blasio can't seem to catch a break. Yesterday a local TV reporter caught his SUV blowing through stop signs, then this morning he was photographed jaywalking in Park Slope. This afternoon, representatives of the scofflaw mayor released a photo of de Blasio taking the subway just like everyday New Yorkers—but it seems they didn't notice the mayor's gleeful refusal to pay the $2.50 fare. (Unless, of course, this photo was inexplicably altered by a third party with some nefarious, or stupid, agenda.) Even worse, sources say de Blasio's turnstile jump was just the beginning of what's being described as a petty crime "rampage."
Once down on the subway platform, witnesses say a visibly sodden de Blasio swigged from a large bottle of Olde English while trying to persuade a youth holding a skateboard to "ollie" over the tracks. When the young man declined, the mayor smashed the bottle over his head and skateboarded to the other end of the platform while urinating "in a 180 degree radius" the entire way, sources say. Once a train arrived in the station, de Blasio reportedly proceeded to spray paint his graffiti tag "BLASTOFF" throughout the car.
Sources say that when the mayor ran out of spray paint, he sat down, unfurled his long legs across at least seven seats, and proceeded to clip his fingernails while singing the The Internationale. After exiting the subway in Park Slope, de Blasio finished his commute via Citi Bike, riding on the sidewalk most of the way. Sources say he planned to spend the rest of his evening seeding illegal BitTorrent downloads of season five of Cheers.
[N.B.: In case the ridiculous Photoshop job and headline and copy didn't tip you off, none of this actually happened. The preceding article was a work of NY Post fanfic..]