We're always happy when we check in on Philadelphia and find there are delightful things going on involving reverse Rocky and wayward trains. But it seems citizens of our honorary sixth borough are currently living in terror of a local man who has been approaching women and asking them to put a slice of swiss cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts on him. Could this be a wayward former Columbia student?
According to the Philadelphia Daily News, the Mayfair Town Watch is warning residents to watch out for the "Swiss Cheese Pervert," a heavyset white man estimated to be in his late 40s or early 50s. The fromage-friendly perp drives around in a sedan with his genitals exposed, displays the cheese, and asks women to take care of both.
Police confirmed that several women have complained about the suspect. "I understand that people may think this is funny, but this is no laughing matter," said Milt Martelack, the town watch's senior adviser. "We've had a couple individuals reach out to us. We're taking this matter very seriously, and we're working vigorously with police to get this guy off the streets."
Gabby Chest claims she had an encounter with the Swiss Cheese Pervert in 2012, when a "really strange guy" messaged her on OKCupid with a very specific request: "He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese," Chest said. "He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them."
Here's an excerpt from his message to her, which could serve as his manifesto:
"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more," he wrote.
"That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."
Apparently, he's since evolved in his tastes. Cheese may be too delicious not to steal, but this is a far cry from our usual encounters with cheese connoisseurs. Let's just hope this guy doesn't discover the pleasures of breast milk cheese anytime soon.