With parts of Brooklyn rapidly congealing into one multimillion dollar "luxury community" condo, it seemed, for a brief, shining moment, that perhaps Manhattan could become a slightly less rapacious rental alternative. But this is New York, not the ol' Bailey Building and Loan, and all our affordable housing dreams are but an angel's dust in the wind—a new real estate report shows that rents in the borough have once again transcended their previously obscene glory.

According to a new report [pdf] from Douglas Elliman, median Manhattan rents ticked up 1.6 percent from April 2013 to April 2014, marking a second rise in rents after six months of blessed decline. The median Manhattan rental price is now $3,247 per month (average is $4,008 per month), which is the second highest rent level in over five years.

As for rent increases in neighborhoods you already can't afford to live in: median rents downtown increased 2.8 percent this year, the East Side saw a 3.3 percent increase and West Side median rents rose 6.4 percent. The only geographic area that didn't experience a sickening rent rise was uptown, where median rents "slipp[ed] a nominal 0.3 percent from the same period last year." Then again, according to real estate company MNS, rents in Harlem went up 13.9 percent this year, so there's that.

Meanwhile, Brooklyn saw a 3.9 percent median rent increase from April 2013 to April 2014. This is the borough's 11th consecutive rent increase, and Williamsburg is getting a Starbucks soon, so now is a good time to douse your English degree in lighter fluid and set it aflame in the attic you call home, provided you have renter's insurance.