Because our commander-in-chief is a Godless heathen who hates Christmas almost as much as he hates the free market, President Obama coordinated tonight's three-stop campaign visit with the Rockefeller Center tree lighting to cause maximum anguish to New Yorkers. According to "Gridlock" Sam Schwartz, this means the "FDR Drive, West Midtown, UES, [East] Village all subject to freezes" between 5-11 p.m. this evening. This excludes the "freezing" of 6-year-old Samantha Jenkins' heart when the President will tell her "Santa isn't real," before slipping an illustrated copy of Das Kapital in her Dora the Explorer backpack.

Obama is visiting the 0.001%, the 0.0001%, and the 1% respectively, as he begins his evening at a private gathering in Manhattan with "25 to 30 people, each of whom paid $10,000" to giggle and make small talk with a man whose brain is processing the implications of a possible ground war with Pakistan.

Next, the president travels to Gotham Bar and Grill for a fundraiser with 45 supporters who contributed $35,800 apiece, including "Caroline Kennedy, Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld and Susan Sarandon." Our secret source tells us that Ms. Sarandon will pledge another $40K to the president's reelection campaign if he calls Tim Robbins on speakerphone and tells him "how shitty he was in the Hudsucker Proxy."

According to a release, they'll dine on:

28 Day Dry Aged Prime Niman Ranch Steak paired marrow mustard custard, paffenroth baby carrots, Vidalia onion rings and bordelaise sauce and will finish the evening with Gotham Dessert Duo; migliorelli farm honey crisp apple strudel, chocolate pecan pie and cinnamon ice cream.

See? You're not missing anything. Crack open another box of Totino's. And finally, the president will shake hands with "several hundred" riffraff guests who paid $1,000 to meet him at the Sheraton Hotel in Midtown. Hopefully, the President will carry some bedbugs back with him to the Lincoln Bedroom so New York can get that federal support it really needs.