[UPDATE BELOW] Now that the budget is balanced, the economy is prosperous, war is over, and global warming is no longer a dire threat to civilization, President Obama can finally focus on the issues that really matter to the American people, like whether he was really born in America, or in some Muslim madrassa in Kenya as part of a terrorist sleeper cell. This morning at 9:45 a.m., the President of the United States will give a statement addressing the "debate" over his citizenship status, which has recently been questioned by human hairpiece pedestal Donald Trump. Obama also posted his "long-form birth certificate" (as opposed to the "certificate of live birth," which Obama released in 2008) on the White House website. Sadly, those who care about this most probably can't read it. Watch Obama talk about this live:

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Obama's announcement comes as yet another news report confirms that the President was born in Hawaii, as he has claimed all along. The latest inquiry into Obama's birthplace was conducted by CNN; in a report that airs tonight on AC360, the network concludes that "Obama was born in Hawaii on August 4, 1961. Period." Even Fox News anchor Shepard Smith said last night, "He has produced a birth certificate. It shows his mother gave birth to him in Hawaii. It is stamped and sealed by the state of Hawaii. It is confirmed and Fox News can confirm the president of the United States is a citizen of the United States. Period." See, they're all in on it! This is why Glenn Beck needs his own network.

UPDATE: Obama took no questions from the White House press pool, but during his statement told reporters, "I just wanna make a larger point here. We have tremendous challenges. A lot of folks out there are still looking for work... We have to make serious decisions about how to get a hold of our deficit and our debt... But we're not gonna be able to do it if we are distracted, if we vilify each other... and get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers. We live in a serious time now and we have the potential to deal with the serious issues we confront in a way that makes our grandkids proud."

Speaking of carnival barkers, Donald Trump was up bright and early this morning to say you're welcome, America. Speaking to reporters in New Hampshire, where he is not-so-secretly testing the waters for a possible presidential run, Trump said, "I'm taking great credit," but also said he found it "rather amazing" that the original birth certificate "suddenly materializes... We have to look at it we have to see is it real? Is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud. I am really honored... I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish." Indeed, what a hero!