Middle class tax rates may go up in a few days, the New York Stock Exchange is about to change hands, gun control legislation is being pushed along at a clip and Syria is descending deeper into chaos. But today the New York Post shrugged off the fluffy garbage that pollutes the ever-quickening news cycle to get the story that strikes at the vital center of America's whirring brain: boobs. Specifically, how boobs relate to tomorrow's "Mayan apocalypse" that no one admits to believing in.
The Post's intrepid reporters filed a 397-word "exclusive" cover story revealing that human beings—specifically bartenders—are going to try to engage in coitus with other human beings, and may use alcohol to aid them. Are you sitting down? Have you looked at the boobs? And wait, what about the headline that claims that they're speaking with New Yorkers who "believe" in this rapture nonsense, isn't that a little—ohh, right, boobs.
While the two reporters' words feature the gripping plight of a hideous woman who, despite having a dearth of people attempting to sleep with her in normal, non-apocalyptic times, will valiantly try again to have sex with people, the true connoisseur of journalism will click on the video accompanying the story. In it, 29-year-old Dennis Cintron explains how the "Mayan Apocalypse" is the perfect time to over-serve women so that they will sleep with him.
"Pretty fish in the barrel kinda of a situation…Being a bartender, it's pretty easy. You meet hot chicks, they make bad decisions when they've had a couple. and if you think you're gonna die yeah why not it's like the whole, 'using body heat when it's too cold.' "
Ha ha that Dennis, who wouldn't entrust him with the intoxicating liquids you pour into your esophagus at night? However, the Pulitzer Committee is likely honing in on this gem, provided by another local bartender. When asked if he was going to try to have sex with a complete stranger because that's what normal, $30 aftershave wearing, Esquire-reading, giant-watch wearing Men who wouldn't last 15 minutes in Mayan society do, he replies, "It's not worth the risk, I'd rather just die alone."