In a city full of washed out, sterile heaps, where is someone who is very rich but also very cool supposed to live? Definitely not the Upper East Side—you voted for de Blasio in 2017 and would have voted for him the first time if you hadn't still been at semester abroad. Williamsburg? Gross! No, you need to be within walking distance of a Juice Press and a 15 minute Uber from Terminal 5. You need...Tribeca Rogue.
A tipster alerted us to this hot new 8-unit property that's rising above 146 Church Street. Sure, the ad copy is written as if this is some fancy dorm in the East Village, but these are condos. Real Property. For Real Adults.
No corners cut, k? (screenshot)
Units start at $2,950,000 and go up to just under $3,850,000, according to a spokesperson. Given that the average sale in the neighborhood is around $4,000,000, this is potentially a huge bargain for someone looking to own something #LifeGoals.
Who needs neighbors? I do not need neighbors, neither do you. (screenshot)
Or not—maybe you want to be left the F alone in your uniquely glass, 8-story building, the only sign of your existence being the stream of pad thai orders cranking from your Seamless account to the place down the street (6.5 spiciness, please, you know how we like it hot) and the steady thrum of your legs just CRUSHING the Peloton.
Maybe we're not stressing this enough: humanity is not necessary in a domicile (screenshot)
The best part? You don't even have to look anyone in the eye in your lobby. It's not as if you mind tipping the door guy (in fact, you just came up with a pretty nifty, money-saving system for tips). It's just weird, you know, having to talk to people?
After all, you're not a New Yorker (gross!), you just live in New York.