The city's birth rate is its lowest since 1936, prompting some disappointed conservatives to sound a shrill, pedantic Crisis Alarm. If you self-centered solipsists don't start pumping out babies, there won't be enough worker bees to pay for...Medicaid?

“This is a very troubling trend,” said Conservative Party state chairman Mike Long told the Post, obviously. “The economy is hurting families and the development of families. If we don’t produce enough young people, society won’t be able to pay for Social Security and Medicaid."

According to vague, unsourced "data obtained by the Post," blacks had the lowest birth rates, with 12.7 births per one thousand residents. Asians had the highest, with 17.1 births per thousand residents. It also cited a 55 percent abortion rate among black women, which really fired up the religious right.

“When the abortion ratio reaches nearly 60 percent in some communities, we as community leaders need to examine the choices we are making as we educate our young people,” the New York Metropolitan Clergy for Better Choices said.

In Borough Park, Orthodox Jewish residents are making up for the rest of the city's breeding deficiencies—in 2013, around 5,458 babies were born in that neighborhood.

“Our community is making up for the rest of the city,” Borough Park state Assemblyman Dov Hikind, who has six grandkids, proudly told the tabloid.

It's hard to imagine a population slowdown being a bad thing—the number of people living in New York City has shot up four percent since 2010, and is expected to reach 9 million people by 2030. And according to the latest census data, the city's population is nearly as high now as city planners expected it to be in 2020.