Today's New York Post features a shocking report on a set of keys for sale on eBay that reads like a Groupon ad…FOR TERRORISTS. According to the tabloid these keys offer "an all access pass to NYC…that would allow control of virtually any elevator in the city, could knock out power to municipal buildings and skyscrapers, darken city streets, open subway gates and some firehouse doors and provide full access to 1 World Trade Center and other construction sites…Total cost: $149.95." Wow, you had us trembling at "all access" (damn Pyromania tour flashbacks). But who normally holds these all-powerful keys? Gollum? Were they until recently kept under Stu Loeser's fedora? Nope, the only people who had access to them were city electricians, contractors, FDNY and fire safety employees, and transit workers.

So what if only a few hundred (or few thousand?) of these keys exist and that only "most" of the ones purchased by the Post actually worked (the report doesn't say which ones), let's breathe erratically into a paper bag while a "former FDNY employee" tells us all the horrible things these keys could unleash:

Think about the people at Occupy Wall Street who hate the NYPD, hate the establishment. They would love to have a set. Wouldn’t it be nice to walk in and disable Chase’s elevators?” he said.

Or, he said, “I could open the master box at construction sites, which hold the keys and the building plans. Once you get inside, you can steal, vandalize or conduct terrorist activities.”

Sure, once you breeze past the 10,000 NYPD and Port Authority Police officers at 1 WTC by flashing your fancy key that looks exactly like any other key that has ever been duplicated in the 1,000+ hardware stores in town ("Good-lookin key, mysterious guy! Can we escort you to your trailer?") you're free to spraypaint the site with your new graffiti tag "KEYMASTER" or if you're feeling particularly evil, commit terrorism. Anything is possible with these keys.

An "undercover" Post reporter spoke with the retired locksmith who sold the keys, Daniel Ferraris, who explained how he gets them: “I get them from different places. I was a locksmith for many years, and I go to shows and get some from collectors."

The report ends with an unnamed NYPD "official" explaining that IF the keys were stolen, and IF they are used, there's probably a crime somewhere in there to prosecute. The FDNY was thankfully circumspect in their appraisal of the dangers of these widely disseminated tools of potential destruction: “[The FDNY has] no way of knowing if those keys work, or what exactly they are meant to be used for," spokesman Frank Dwyer said.

That hasn't kept at least one politician from blasting out a panicky press release on the matter. The floor is yours, Bill De Blasio:

“We cannot let anyone sell the safety of over 8 million people so easily. Having these keys on the open market literally puts lives at risk. The billions we’ve spent on counter-terrorism have been severely undercut by this breech.   “There can’t be any delay in closing this vulnerability. The City must repurchase any remaining keys or block their sale. We need a swift investigation into how these keys fell into insecure hands in the first place. And we need protocols in place to prevent a breech of this magnitude from ever happening again.”

We know some folks who have experience dealing with previous keymasters in New York City.