Motorists in NYC will soon experience what Mayor de Blasio is calling "a 21st century upgrade," a.k.a. The Singularity, when the DOT rolls out a mobile device payment system for all 85,000 metered parking spots citywide. "No more fumbling for change or scrambling to the meter to beat a ticket," de Blasio promised today while setting fire to a gigantic pile of obsolete cash in a statement. The upgrade will be available at all parking meters by the end of 2016.

The new payment option will allow drivers to pay for parking and add time to meters from their cell phones, sparing them that short, humiliating walk from their cars to the Muni-Meters, and liberating them from the heavy bondage of paper receipts, which are a known fire hazard. Perhaps best of all, the new technology will somehow reimburse drivers for any unused time when they leave their spots sooner than expected.

The brave new world of high-tech parking will be enforced via the NYPD’s new tablet devices, which will allow Traffic Enforcement Agents to immediately determine whether a parked car is paid up and issue summons/destroy any transgressors. It's unclear when the city's high-maintenance human traffic agents will be phased out and replaced with modernized robotic officers like those used in Japan.

There are currently 13,700 Muni-Meters across the five boroughs that govern those 85,000 metered parking spaces. The Muni-Meters accept coins, NYC Parking Cards and credit cards, and they will continue to accept these forms of payment for everyone still living in the stone age eating sad round bagels while listening to The Eagles on 8-track cassette.

According to the mayor's office, there "is no budget impact from this proposal. The NYPD’s tablet devices are already being secured as part of a previously announced technology upgrade for the entire department. In addition, the DOT is developing the mobile application for drivers through a no-cost innovation contract."

No-cost innovation! Welcome to 2016, people. The mayor delivers his State of the City address tomorrow night, when he will probably announce New York City's innovate new no-cost monorail.