Were you aware that the train to The Hamptons every weekend is a fratastic, drunken orgy? No? Seriously? Well it is, because the New York Times recently witnessed the "vignettes of discomfort" firsthand, and man, are they discomforting.

There's the "Pamplonaesque boarding process," the "pungent bathrooms," the dudes using the phrase "crunked" on-the-record. Yes, the train to the tip of Long Island has come a long way since "Jay Gatsby's guests took it to get to his mansion in the fictional West Egg." (Although an early manuscript for the novel featured Nick and Daisy shotgunning beers while Jay Gatsby commissioned the New York Philharmonic to perform Ratt's "Round And Round.")

It just so happens that two of the women interviewed about their drinking ("We're already two bottles in") were accompanied by our own roommate, AKA the "friend, his arm around a blender for frozen drinks." Did he think the train was quite the "scene" the reporter is suggesting it is? "Not really. I mean, those girls would have been drinking if they had gone by car anyway. Like, I guess anything is a 'scene' if people are getting drunk. Every bar in the city is a 'scene.' "

Did he have any particular horror stories from his travels? "A child screaming and throwing his iPad. And yeah the bathrooms smell horrible. But it's not a scene, it's just a really crammed train, you know?"