The opening of the new "Racino" at Aqueduct was such a smashing success that police reinforcements had to be called in to control the opening day crowds, who waited on line over three hours on Friday afternoon to get at those sad hot slots and WIN BIG. So now that gambling lobbyists have successfully brought the Resorts World electronic gaming temple to the Queens Aqueduct Racetrack, they're doubling down to add live table games to the mix. Soon enough happy gamblers will be lining up to "shoot the pasties off the nipples of a ten-foot bull-dyke and win a cotton-candy goat," just like in Vegas!

Gambling interests have spent more than $2.5 million on lobbying over the past years, the Post reports, with most of the focus going to opening slot machine "racinos" at the state's race tracks. Next year the New York Gaming Association will spend $1 million to push the state to legalize Vegas-style casinos—with card games and human dealers—in the Empire State. It's a win-win for casino owners, politicians, and the guv'ment, which can heavily tax the casinos. And it's better for the environment, too, because gambling addicts get to feed their monkeys locally, without burning fossil fuels in lengthy drives to Indian reservations.

Of course, as history shows, the Indians don't care about the environment as much as the white man, and they'd prefer gamblers to release tons of carbon dioxide in trips to their upstate tribal casinos, rather than source their addiction locally. Last year the Seneca and Oneida nations paid about $200,000 to lobbyists, and the Post speculates they'll surpass that this year, in an attempt to maintain their grip on the casino business in New York.