Last night, the Powerball Powers That Be announced the winning numbers for the $1.5 billion jackpot, and none of us are billionaires. NONE OF US. Slap that bald man whose head you rubbed before buying your ticket, because HE LIED TO YOU.

Some people did turn their $2 tickets into cash moniez—winning numbers 8, 27, 34, 4, 19 and Powerball 10 yielded three jackpot winners, one of whom purchased a ticket at a 7-Eleven in Chino Hills, California. Another winning ticket was sold in Tennessee, and a third in Florida, even though Florida deserves NO WINS.

The jackpot winners have wisely refrained from coming forward, lest they be preyed upon by pitchfork-wielding losers and long-lost relatives who really need a loan, but they'll pay it right back! Still, they aren't even getting that much money—split in three, those tickets are each worth a paltry $528.8 million, and Uncle Sam's getting a pretty sizable chunk of that. Sure, you can buy a $95 million penthouse apartment with that cash, but can you furnish it?

Big ticket winners aside, a few local folks went home with some extra money, too—eleven people in New York, New Jersey and Conencticut scored $1 million from the lottery. Three winners bought tickets in Ridgewood, Long Island City, and South Richmond Hill. So much for scoffing at all your friends who moved to Queens.

Gothamist's office pool yielded no winning numbers, so now we all have to keep working here. Anybody got any videos of animals eating pizza?