There are some things, like the Spanish Inquisition, you just don't expect. Like, if we ate your last Hot Pocket on Valentine's Day, we wouldn't expect you to hit us (hard). And if we hit you for eating said last Hot Pocket on Valentine's Day, we wouldn't expect you to kidnap our three-year-old daughter in retaliation. And yet both of those things happened this week on Staten Island.
16-year-old Aliyah Austin was arrested yesterday for kidnapping the daughter of her 29-year-old friend Tuesday night. The name of the father, or what exactly the relationship between he and Austin was, has not yet been revealed, but sources tell the Advance that Austin was a transient who had been living at the man's home for several days. And apparently the kidnapping was meant to be revenge after he'd hit her when she'd eaten the last Hot Pocket in the box.
Before police found Austin in Bed-Stuy, thanks to her cellphone signal, she allegedly taunted the father with text and Facebook messages (before de-friending him) like "If you want your baby back, meet me at the rock" ("authorities aren’t sure whether 'the rock' refers to the slang name for Staten Island, the Rockaways in Queens or some other location."). The three-year-old was unharmed.
Anyway, as sad as this story is, we're totally fixated on the Hot Pocket aspect. What kind of Hot Pocket incites such insanity? Was it an original-style with chicken and cheddar with broccoli? A SideShot "cheeseburger"? Or maybe it was a breakfast Hot Pocket with bacon, egg and cheese? It couldn't have been a Lean Pocket, those things are disgusting.