Mitt Romney won five more states in yesterday's GOP primaries, including New York, on his long, bland march towards inevitability. Like the guy who keeps sending "Sh*t People Say" videos around the office, we were hoping that Newt Gingrich would continue to fight the good fight, regardless of societal norms. Maybe a new wife (or a different set of clip-on hair for Callista) would jazz things up a bit? Alas, Gingrich's spokesman R.C. Hammond told the Times that the candidate has already conceded to Romney, and will suspend his campaign next week—look for Tiffany's website to go black in memoriam.

Hammond said that Gingrich told Romney he was "committed to helping him in the fall," which presumably means giving him back-handed compliments and expanding his lobbying-not-lobbying portfolio. “I think you have to at some point be honest with what’s happening in the real world, as opposed to what you’d like to have happened,” the man who proposed a colony on the moon and universal gun rights told the National Journal.

Ron Paul was unavailable for comment—rumor has it he's deep inside a bunker in the Philippines.