Funerals are antithetical to everything New Yorkers hold dear—all their slow, plodding dirges and their boring-ass eulogies. New Yorkers are natural-born multi-taskers, and we're not going to let Uncle Dan's final farewell come between us and our online banking.

It should come as no surprise, then, that New Yorkers more than anyone else use their funeral time as an opportunity shop on their current phones for flashier, more funeral-ready phones online. Did you know the new iPhone gets a 17 percent better signal inside those stone church walls than older models? Did you know the HD camera has an image stabilization function, so the shudder of your sobs won't impact your ability to snap a crisp, clean Final Vine of the body?

According to the research firm Soasta, only 6 percent of New Yorkers admitted that funerals are their favorite place to cost compare time-shares in Mexico , but then again, that's three times more than the other frontrunners in Dallas, Philadelphia and Houston. Additionally, these are the people who admitted to shopping during your cousin's moving rendition of Jewel's "Who Will Save Your Soul"—the rest of us are just lying about it. Which is very unseemly—this is church, after all.

Anyway, at least shopping is somewhat productive. It's what Harold would have wanted. And at least it's better than tweeting.