Know why your first date fizzled last week? No, not because you hadn't bathed in days and referred to her as "My Precious." You just didn't spend enough money! According to the cheery-sounding dating website WhatsYourPrice.com, New Yorkers are cheap first dates, spending only an average of $145. Denver "wins" with an average of $221 blown on the first date, and Seattle ($197) Philly ($158) and DC ($154) all "beat" us to burn money that we don't have to impress someone we'll never see again.

By borough, Jersey City (which the study dubiously calls a borough) spends $193 and Staten Island $181, more than Manhattan's $166, with the Bronx spending the least at $112. Naturally The Post finds a "fashionista" to slam all of those lame paupers who think they have a chance with her: "The cheapos will try to take a walk or go out for tea. A little glitz and glam is appreciated." Oh, those "cheapos"—always trying to supplant the fleeting gratification of a $16 bowl of lobster bisque with actual human interaction. LO$ERS! An "energy analyst" even says, "I had to get a girlfriend. I couldn't afford to keep going on first dates." That, or the revolving door of faceless humanity made you crave something a $200 hickey at Brooklyn Bowl can't give you.

WhatsYourPrice.com knows a thing or two about the economics of dating, because it's a site where you're literally asked to "name your price," just like a common prostitute charity auction! What a revolutionary way to look at internet dating! We didn't think the Casual Encounters section had enough pictures anyway. Even hotter than making a date a literal transaction are Mike Tyson facial tattoos! That's right, apparently looking like a convicted rapist turns girls on, and is one face painters' "No. 1 requested design I get from men of all ages." A few months of spending money on this trend and we'll be beating Denver in no time!