While investigating former police officer Robert Melia Jr.'s alleged sexual assault on three underage girls, detectives discovered a video in his home that shows him sexually molesting cows in 2006. So animal-cruelty charges were added to the list, but on Wednesday a judge dropped the charges because prosecutors didn't "present enough evidence to jurors that Melia's alleged actions tormented the animals."

Fortunately or unfortunately, it's unclear exactly what transpired between Melia and his beloved bovines, but apparently the judge found it plausible that the cows might have been, well, into it. Or maybe they just didn't mind it; as far as we know the cows were not deposed. And according to the Star-Ledger, bestiality is not a crime in the progressive state of New Jersey, where the government recognizes it's got no business interfering with that special love between man and ruminant. In New York, we'll just keep fucking our chickens.