Principal Tyler Blackmore at Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School made a strange announcement over the loudspeaker last week: he told the schools 900 students that they were now in a "no hugging school" following some “incidents of unsuitable, physical interactions.” As everyone knows, hugging is the gateway drug to necking. And yet, students and parents were outraged: “They’ve hugged forever since they were babies and now they’re being told they can’t do it,” parent Tammy Sabatini told CBS. But perhaps parents don't know that some teachers really are just in it for the hugging.

With parents in a tizzy, the school sought to clarify its non-policy later in the week. School Superintendent David Healy said in a statement distrubuted to parents that the district has the responsibility to teach children about appropriate interactions, but added that no one would get in trouble for hugging: “There is no policy specific to hugging, and we have not, nor will we be, suspending students for hugging,” he wrote. “It is unfortunate that there are those who find purpose and humor in sensationalizing such a routine school-related issue at the expense and inconvenience of our children and our school community.”

Sensationalizing, aye? But if we let them take hugging out of schools, what's next? Take hugging out of our baseball stadiums? Taking hugging out of our subways?? Okay, that would be fine. But they better not even think about taking the orgasms out of our gym workouts.