A analysis of Board of Elections data has determined that Charles Montgomery Burns, the nuclear power magnate immortalized in The Simpsons, would have won the recent NYC mayoral election, had it just been limited to write-in votes. A mysteriously-funded "grassroots" campaign to install Burns as Mayor succeeded in drawing 25 lovingly handwritten votes. But because those bleeding hearts at the Board of Elections let the masses use their vulgar "voting booths," Mr. Burns was denied the excellent opportunity to tell New Yorkers, "In addition to electing me, you may now praise me as your almighty." Of course, Mr. Burns wasn't the only candidate to fare well among the write-in electorate.

One Queens resident wrote in assassinated President Abe Lincoln, Mickey Mouse got two votes, and Alfred E. Newman got one. Three New Yorkers voted for Bill Clinton, Giuliani received 10 votes, and Ed Koch and David Dinkins tied with one vote. "I was a good mayor and some people remember that," Koch tells the Daily News, while "swearing he didn't write in his own name." And though he died in 2004, Rodney Dangerfield won one vote—which we admit came from us, because what New York City needs more than anything is for Dangerfield to rise from the dead, get sworn in as Mayor, and yell, "Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"