Sometimes my work-mandated "millennial surveys" Google alert brings me a gift, and today I was blessed with the following headline: "Millennial men are significantly weaker than their fathers, study shows." Millennial men are tiny weaklings! They have weak grips and puny little fists! Older men are better and stronger! Scientists said it, not me!

According to the Journal of Hand Therapy, men between the ages of 20 and 34 have weaker hands and arms than men in the same age range did 30 years ago. Millennial men under 30 were the weakest of the bunch, which explains why their fingers are all too tired to respond to text messages.

We surveyed Gothamist's millennial men to see if their dads could take them in a fight:

Me: could your dad take you in a fight
Scott Heins: Yes, my father could definitely take me in a fight.
Scott Heins: my dad is still scary as hell

Me: can your dad take you in a fight
Raphael Pope-Sussman: my dad is a lot bigger than me

Me: can your dad take you in a fight
David Colon: yeah definitely
David Colon: He said that if you'd like him to prove it, he'll meet me any place, any time.

Only contributor Max Rivlin-Nadler says he could beat the crap out of his father:

Me: can your dad take you in a fight
Max: no
definitely not
100% no

Meanwhile, Gothamist Blog Dad John Del Signore says he could murder all of us with his bare arms, which I imagine is something he's dreaming of doing right as he reads this sentence.

That settles it!

According to the study, all these weak little man hands and arms are thanks to an overall decline in manual labor, which means men are far less physically active than their forebears. Millennial women, meanwhile, have actually developed more arm and hand strength than their female forebears, which will help when we eventually take over and banish all men to the breeding pits.**

Anyway, you'll soon be able to purchase tickets to the great Dave Colon vs. Dave Colon's Dad fight on our Facebook page. No, really!

**Just kidding, men are fine, you're all fine, everyone's fine!