Yesterday, newly renovated fight club/public toilet McCarren Park Pool was abruptly closed around 1:30 p.m. due to mysterious "unsanitary conditions." A lifeguard had previously noted that the pool closes for five minutes to clean up poop, and 25 minutes to clean up throw-up. So what could cause the pool to shutdown for almost 24 hours? DIARRHEA.

CBS was told it was a "loose stool," and the Daily News referred to it as "a suspicious brown cloud in the water." They also noted that the pool was packed to capacity when officials and swimmers noticed the "the slowly spreading stain." “It was spotted and confirmed and we took the precautions right away,” Parks Department Phil Abramson confirmed to them, adding in a huge understatement, “There are health concerns with this kind of thing.”

He told the Post that park workers had to disinfect the pool by raising its chlorine levels for 24 hours, explaining the long closure. It's expected to re-open around 1:30 p.m. today, for anyone who really needs to cool down after having a crappy weekend, or anyone who isn't traumatized by that scene from American Pie: