Mary Lee is a gentle, somewhat simple name: Most Mary Lees are content to while away the languid summer days sipping sweet tea and braiding the other Mary Lees' hair on the porch swing. The Mary Lee currently bobbing off the coast of Long Island, however, is not a nice Southern girl looking for a strapping gentleman with a barrel chest and a clean shirt to whisk her off to a better life out West. This Mary Lee is a 16-foot-long, 3,500 pound murder machine, with 300 teeth and a lust for the blood of your children.*
The Internet is supremely excited about Mary Lee, but will it be so excited knowing that she's currently just off the coast of Jones Beach? (Is she there to see Phish? Har.) [Editor's note: Phish's only New York date this summer is upstate, in Watkins Glen.] And that if she continues her trajectory, will she swim right up the East River, crawl out onto the ferry landing using her horse legs, trot into our bedrooms and slaughter us while we sleep?
You can follow Mary Lee on Twitter (although you probably do already, bitch has almost 35,000 followers) and watch her progress toward your bedroom here. Don't let the cute orange dot fool you—she actually looks like this:
*Any shade thrown is born only of terror of encountering a Mary Lee in the water. Great Whites are magnificent creatures, and moreover, their population is threatened by sexually insecure men who hunt them for sport. Let's enjoy tracking her progress, and for God's sake, keep her out of the Gowanus.