Look at this f--king borough president: Last night inveterate corn dog Marty Markowitz arrived on stage via tricycle for his State of the Borough address in Sunset Park. Wearing a green helmet and toting a basketful of Junior’s famously overrated cheesecake, the Brooklyn Borough President kicked off his 90 minute (!) speech with another swipe against the DOT, which he's repeatedly criticized for installing a bike lane on Prospect Park West. (For the record, President Obama's State of the UNION lasted about an hour, including glad-handing.) Are you ready to SLAP YOUR KNEE? Video below:

"As you can see, I’ve taken advantage of the Department of Transportation’s newest bike lane," Marty told the audience. "Of course, I can tell it’s still under construction, because the DOT hasn’t yet removed all the seats in the auditorium to make room for it!" Ho ho. It was a demonstrably effective publicity stunt, but beneath the gag Markowitz is dead serious about getting rid of the bike lane. Later in the speech, he returned to the topic, saying, "As I’m sure you noticed, I made my entrance tonight on what I like to call my senior cycle, so I hope you understand that I am not against bicycles. I’m not even against bike lanes. I’ve supported their creation around Brooklyn, including 9th street near Prospect Park and the Brooklyn Greenway that runs from Greenpoint to Sunset Park." He continued:

But for the majority of New Yorkers, it is simply not feasible to make bicycles their primary mode of transport, and unfortunately that’s the direction I believe the City’s policy is heading. They are trying to stigmatize car owners and get them to abandon their cars, when the fact is, even many bicyclists also own cars! Cycling is no substitute for mass transit, and there are still tens of thousands of Brooklynites who live far from public transportation and who rely on a car to reach their jobs and live their lives.

But of course, we must have a comprehensive plan that insures the safety of drivers, walkers and cyclists. And we should all remember to show respect to one another—drivers, cyclists and pedestrians, everybody who uses our streets. I have been a vocal critic of the Prospect Park West bike lane because I think it is a perfect example of how not to install a bike lane. It has disrupted the aesthetics of one of Brooklyn’s most beautiful thoroughfares and made it more dangerous to cross the street safely, especially for seniors, young children and parents with strollers.

Good grief, where to begin? The notion that the Bloomberg administration wants the bicycle to be New Yorkers' primary mode of transport is ludicrous; after generations of motor vehicles dominating city streets, it's amazing the degree of hysteria generated when the pendulum swings back slightly the other way. Far from abandoning mass transit, the DOT is also working with the MTA to design streets in a way that improves bus service. (See the successful Select Bus lanes.) As for the aesthetics of PPW, whether you think the bike lane has added or detracted from that "beautiful thoroughfare" is a matter of personal taste, and we're not exactly shocked that Marty's tastes differ from ours. But more importantly, before the bike lanes went in, PPW was mostly known for its speeding drivers, not its looks. And Markowitz's assertion that the bike lane has made PPW more dangerous? He's just making shit up: there has not been a single reported pedestrian injury from a pedestrian-bike crash since the bike lane was installed.

The rest of the speech largely consisted of Markowitz patting himself on the back for a wide variety of positive developments in Brooklyn over the past year (Beyonce opened a cosmetology center in DUMBO! "Domi-no" became "Domi-yes"! Better sidewalks at Fulton Mall!) To be fair, Markowitz certainly deserves credit for some of this, and he also used his speech to congratulate many others who've helped Brooklyn grow. But when he touched on Coney Island, his silence on the impending eviction of eight longstanding Boardwalk tenants was deafening.

Instead, Markowitz focused on the new rides that amusement giant Zamperla plans to open this year: "I have volunteered to take a test ride on the Human Slingshot. But only on one condition: Mr. Mayor, you must provide me with a big pile of your money to break my fall!" Marty, if Bloomberg doesn't come through with the money, please don't let that stop you.