If you're reading this it means that you've passed Gothamist's Encrypted Personal Wealth Firewall For Blog Posts Concerning Manhattan Real Estate. Congratulations, darling! Your nose looks gorgeous—who did they harvest it from? Here, have some truffle-smothered eviction notices. Anyway, some bad news: the number of available apartments in Manhattan is at a 15-year-low. Let me read you what the CEO of the Corcoran Group told The NY Post: “Buying a large apartment on Fifth Avenue is now as easy as getting the latest Hermes Birkin bag." HA HA HA HA HA!

There are a mere 4,795 apartments on the market this quarter, compared to 6,981 at the same time last year, and 12,336 in 2009, which was around the time we had to sell our cabin in Aspen. :'(

The median price of a Manhattan apartment rose 4.3% to $865K, while the average price rose 1% to $1.43 million. The average for three bedroom apartments, which barely have enough room for you to absentmindedly play with your hand veins and swallow low doses of Valium, rose 6.7% to $2.62 million.

Thirty year fixed mortgage rates are still relatively low, but they recently made a jump to 4.46%. Despite this and the scarcity of apartments, Pamela Liebman, the CEO of Corcoran, noted that you still have the upper hand when buying if you're clever about it.

“While inventory shows no signs of easing any time soon, it’s not an anything-goes market for sellers. Savvy buyers won’t even look at overpriced properties."

And you are savvy, aren't you love? I hear there's a $1.59 million studio with exquisite soundproofing—you won't even be able to hear your teeth grinding!