File under the is this really real? category: a man has posted a plea on Craigslist, offering $500 for someone ("preferably from someone who was a quarterback in college or the pros") to teach him about this whole football thing before The Big Game. And naturally it's because he doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his lady friend (because women will break up with you if you don't love sports enough). He writes:

I *desperately* need to learn about football between now and next week's Super Bowl game. My girlfriend and I were just invited to a Super Bowl party at her ex-boyfriend's apartment, and to be honest, last time I met him he told me he played football in college and I responded that I did as well—which was a lie.

I really don't know anything about football except for the fact that touchdowns how you score points and sometimes you kick the ball. I've been reading articles on ESPN.com and watching clips online but I don't think it's going to prepare me for questions about actually playing it, or for making good comments during the game. So I need someone who can *quickly* teach me about all of things I would have learned playing football as well as what to say about it.

This is really important to me. I think my girlfriend still really likes her ex and when we first started dating she cheated on me a few times with him, so I really can't risk looking like an idiot in front of both of them. Seriously, this is really important. My girlfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch now and she keeps threatening to move out.

Sorry to blow up your spot, bro.