Life is full of dangers. Baby-snatching birds, texting while driving, thuggish Park Slope cats. One Port Washington middle school is trying to keep its angsty young charges as insulated as possible against the perils of the outside world by hermetically sealing itself off from all forms of fun.

So concerned are the officials of Weber Middle School of one of its students getting smashed in the face by a recreational projectile that the school just went ahead and banned "footballs, baseballs, lacrosse balls, or anything that might hurt someone on school grounds," CBS reports. Rough games of tag and cartwheels will also be forbidden unless "supervised by a coach." Nerf balls and soft, genteel games of tag will still be permitted, but that's apparently not enough for some masochistic students hell-bent on concussing themselves.

“I think we need the soccer balls, the footballs and everything, so we can have some fun,” one student told the station. “You go for recess—that’s your free time to go let loose and recharge,” said another.

It's a well-documented fact that thirty minutes of recreational sports at lunchtime is one of the few things keeping adolescents from melting into hormone-filled puddles in their little desks. But no matter—at least now they can go back to hunting for that dead body without distraction.