What would ordinarily be just a typical frustrating Monday morning was made ENRAGING by the fact that today is a "holiday," and you are hungover because your "friends" who don't have to "work" today poured shots of Mezcal down your throat until 2 a.m. And then the subway, always the subway, which is functioning exactly how you feel: like a broken down old pimp muttering to himself alone in the dark greasy corner of a V.A. hospital in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.

The MTA's trains and buses are operating on a "special" Saturday schedule in observance of Presidents' Day, which is today, in case your girlfriend who has the day off hasn't reminded you five million times already. Thanks, Obama!

In addition to the slow Saturday schedule, here's the MTA's list of subway changes, which we're sharing with you much too late for it to help your life in any tangible way.

5 line: No service in both directions between Dyre Av and E 180 St. Use free shuttle buses instead.

D line: No service in both directions between Atlantic Av-Barclays Ctr and 34 St-Herald Sq. D trains run in two segments: Stillwell Av to Atlantic Av-Barclays Ctr (express service between 36 St and Atlantic Av-Barclays Ctr) and 34 St-Herald Sq and 205 St. As an alternate, take the F/N/Q/R or free shuttle buses between Grand St and W 4 St.

L line: No service between 8 Av and 14 St-Union Sq. As an alternate, take the M14 bus.

Wait, what even is a Saturday schedule? Sprach the MTA:

  • There is no express service on the 6 or 7
  • The B train does not operate; use the ACDQ instead.
  • M trains operate between Delancey-Essex Sts and Metropolitan Av only.
  • Q trains operate between Stillwell Av and 57 St-7 Av only.
  • The Z train does not operate; use the J, which runs between Jamaica Center and Chambers St.

And then it's freezing, obviously, so the dreaded MTA's "Cold Weather Plan" is in effect.

That's a great plan, if we understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fucking watch.

One subway survivor tells us, "The D train dumped everyone at 34th street and then we all had to wait over half an hour for an F. An old man started ranting very loudly about his passionate hatred for a variety of races. It was hellish."

There are also delays on the N and the 7 due to signal problems and God forsaking you.

In conclusion, Mondays. If your boss gives you any shit about any of this, just refer him or her to Ed Harris here: