In an exclusive scoop, The Brooklyn Paper reports that an unidentified asshole in Williamsburg is going around squirting Krazy Glue into bike locks, because, as he puts it, "There is a bike crisis. Every pole in the neighborhood is littered with them... These Yuppies are running the whole damn city, and I’m left to my own devices." Due to the "sensitive nature of this story," reporter Andy Campbell does not identify the vandal, so it's up to the Brooklyn DA to compel the paper to turn over its source for prosecution. Is Andy Campbell Gersh Kuntzman's Judith Miller?!

Calling himself the Crusader, the vandal claims he's disgusted by the surge in cyclists and the city officials who "allow them into the neighborhood... The people in this community are tired of bikes crowding the sidewalks for two, three weeks at a time, blocking the walkways. No bike is safe... The Yuppies... have turned this beautiful neighborhood into an eyesore. Watch out for your locks."

While it's true there is a desperate need for bike racks in the neighborhood—especially near the L train stop at Bedford Avenue—we're not sure "Yuppie" is the preferred nomenclature. Yuppies are the ones blocking the sidewalk with their drunken bodies, not bikes, outside Sea; or leaving their Escalades double parked while eating bunny rabbits at Marlow & Sons. But however you want to generalize it, the bicycling boom has come to symbolize a growing schism between the neighborhoods' various factions, which include Hasidim, Poles, Puerto Ricans, Italian-Americans, first-wave aging bohemians, Yuppies, Tools, Trinitarios, Hipsters, Blipsters, Freegans, Foodies, D-bags, Gutter Punks, the Bedford Avenue Preacher and the singing Subaru guy. Now add to that irrational S.O.B.s who squirt glue into bike locks.

According to The Brooklyn Paper, locking a bike to any parking signs or bus stop signs is illegal. But Noah Budnick of Transportation Alternatives tells us, "Our attorneys believe is it legal to park a bike to a sign post, etc. as long as it's not blocking the sidewalk." If it is illegal, it's seldom enforced, and with a dearth in available City Racks, where else are you going to lock your bike? Budnick adds, "If this person is concerned about inadequate bike parking, they should reach out to us. We've been working on the problem in Williamsburg for years!

"We want to solve it because it makes the already narrow sidewalks in that increasingly popular, walkable neighborhood more crowded, especially for the increasing number of families. This person is making the problem worse because now the bikes will never move!" Exactly—if the Crusader really wants to make a difference, he needs to dynamite the damn bikes.