Whether we like it or not, hundreds or possibly millions of jackasses disguised as Santas are going to descend upon some yet-to-be-determined part of the city on Saturday. There is nothing we can do; if there were, we would have already done it.

But Metro-North and the LIRR are flexing their limited muscles again this year, banning alcohol on their trains for precisely 37 hours around the dreaded day. The stated reason for the ban is to "maintain orderly travel and safe station and terminal operations" during the forthcoming douche parade, but it's nice to think of it more as the city's way of sighing heavily.

The ban will be in effect from 11 p.m. on Friday through noon on Sunday, and MTA officers will be issuing summonses of up to $50 to any Bad Santas who fail to comply. Oh, and "violators may also be subject to removal from the train or station by police." If you catch this on video, please send it to us.

If you're fortunate enough to wonder why this ban is necessary, we compel you to watch the below. Gird yourself.