It doesn't matter if you're ultra-vigilant or half-asleep—pickpockets are going to get you if they want to. Pickpockets are such a normal part of living in NYC, I (along with other men I know) have given up on carrying wallets altogether, resigning ourselves instead to stuffing a few crumpled up bills and ID in our front pocket. But it seems there is one way to thwart thieves entirely: wear ultra-constricting skinny jeans. If you can't feel your thighs, then they can't get in there to feel them either!
According to the Post, 27-year-old architect German Sent was attacked by a trio of would-be thieves as he walked home from the Halsey Street subway station in Bushwick around 5 a.m. on September 1st. The attackers couldn't get his wallet or iPhone 6 though, thanks to his ridiculously tight Kenneth Cole jeans.
"They couldn’t even get a finger in my pocket," Sent said to the paper. Shit, even the average Hipster Cop could tell you that. Sent continued:
"They were just arguing amongst themselves...like, 'Get into his front pocket! Get into his left pocket!' And the other would say, 'I can’t get it! I can’t!'"
Frustrated and defeated, the trio ran off.
Sent’s first, odd thought during the beatdown was, "I’m glad I put these jeans on today, because they’re really saving all my stuff right now," he said.
"It was kind of hilarious and scary at the same time," he concluded, which just about sums up our feelings the last time we tried to squeeze into a pair of spray-ons. Just keep in mind that this act of vigilance may completely cut off your circulation.