This week, for the first time since July, Donald Trump was supposed to hold a press conference. It uh, got called off though:

The purpose of the press conference was for Trump to announce exactly how he's going to divest himself from the Trump Organization so he can avoid conflicts of interest. It's extremely clear Trump won't be divesting entirely from the business, or announcing that he's liquidating his assets and placing them in a blind trust. Instead, Trump will be handing his business over to his sons Eric and Donald Jr., and has promised that "no new deals" will be made, whatever that string of words means.

A press conference is allegedly coming some time next year though, and for a preview of how this circus might go, let's remember the last time Trump held a press conference:

Yes, the last time Donald Trump held a press conference really was back when he requested that Russia hack Hillary Clinton, in the middle of the summer. Maybe he was just being a sarcastic New Yawk wiseguy. Or maybe this outlandish public request for Russia's help was done to throw us off the trail of the undeniable fact that Trump is a Russian puppet, since who would blow their secret plans with such a brazen request like this? Ah just kidding, I'll leave GAME THEORY and conspiracy theorizing to the professional lunatics.

The important thing is that this press conference, if and when it happens, is likely to be light on information and heavy on self-promotion. In fact, rather than look at that last recorded press conference in July, it's better to look at a more recent instance of something that was advertised as a Trump press conference but was instead a self-congratulatory, information-free shitshow: when Trump gathered the press in his DC hotel in September, under the guise of owning up to his role in the Birther movement. Instead of talking about his outsize role in the conspiracy theory, Trump had the press suffer through a series of endorsements from Trump allies, some talk about his hotel and a brief statement in which he claimed Hillary Clinton began the Birther movement and his hard work investigating the matter solved the problem that didn't exist to begin with.

What form of self-promotion will the next press conference take? My theory is that it's going to be similar to a contract signing before a big WWE match. That is, a promo, before Trump signs a sheet of paper with the Trump Organization letterhead and the word "Divest" written on it, kind of like the contract you can get a look at here before a recent match for the Smackdown women's title:

Trump will tell the press about the many, many sacrifices he's making in leaving the Trump Organization. An organization that has tremendous properties all over the world, properties that redefine luxury, by the way. But he's not interested in that anymore, he's just interested in making America great again, trust him. Trust that the amoral New York real estate shark will never once turn towards self-enrichment in the next four to eight years.

Enough people bought that line to make him president, so why wouldn't he keep trotting it out until it stops working?