Where the hell are the cicadas? I downloaded a cicada tracking app, streamed cicada sounds on Spotify, took the trash out in cicada sandals, changed my OK Cupid profile to include references to "Cicadapolaclypicageddon," and spraypainted my swimming goggles black so I could don them and yell "CICADA ALERT BZZ BZZ CICADA" at unattended children in Prospect Park. Where did I go wrong? Where are the cicadas? Where are those bugs I never cared about prior to three months ago?

“People are disappointed, because the cicadas just aren’t everywhere,” some stupid bug teacher tells the Times in some stupid story about how the cicadas were actually "exuberant" for everyone except people living in New York which, come on! Who doesn't play New York?

Well, they were on Staten Island, and parts of Long Island, and areas in the upper Hudson Valley, but now they're "winding down" (dying) and the next generation is disappearing into the ground for another 17 years and we didn't even get a chance to say hello. Or eat them. Brood II, where are you?

“Brood II has been exuberant here in Pennsylvania,” said Marten J. Edwards, a biologist at Muhlenberg College in Allentown who has been mapping the insects in the state. “I have been amazed by the extent of the range, which was not documented in the historical record.”

Dr. Edwards has encountered most of that exuberance in thinly populated parts of the state, however. “It’s very understandable that there is a sense of disappointment,” Dr. Edwards said.

"Oh these cool cicadas? You want to observe these cool cicadas" says scientist swimming in a kiddie pool of cicadas. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a cronut? I hear those are cool and rare but not as rare as these really righteous bugs are for you, I guess, oh well."

The silver lining here is that the Times reporter refers to them as an "arthropod flash mob," and who wants to be a part of that?

See you in Bloomberg's eighth term, Brood II.