We've come to terms with the fact that extremist mustache enthusiast Pastor Terry Jones just will not go away, no matter how many times we say farewell to him. The Koran-burning rabble rouser, who is even despised by the KKK, has continually tried to drum up controversy through attention-grabbing stunts, all of which point to deeply rooted insecurities and an intense emptiness burning through his soul, perpetually pushing him to try to get people to notice him. And his latest ploy? Running for president of the United States of Pleasepayattentiontome.

Jones announced his candidacy with a press release today, vowing to balance the budget, stop overspending, and reduce corporate taxes and bureaucracy. Oh, and don't forget deporting all illegals! Of course, Jones hasn't actually filed any official paperwork with the Federal Election Commission, or done any of those other real things one might need to do to actually mount a presidential campaign. But he's hoping you will "financially support us as we continue our stand against radical Islam."

Wasn't the free car enough? What about the people who died in Afghanistan in riots which followed your unnecessarily provocative and ultimately pointless Koran-burning? What more do you want from us Jones? You can't get anyone to come to your speeches—what makes you think that ANYONE would vote for you? Do you realize that you make Donald "Enormous Balls" Trump look like a swell guy?

Jones also broke his legendary silence on Occupy Wall Street, and castigates "people who are expecting a handout" while praising the "innovative" companies of our nation: "the Occupy Wall Street protesters are not a benefit to our society. They are a great danger, a great threat, to the well-being of our society and lifestyle." Hmm, that's interesting, since that's exactly what the consensus was about you last year.