July was the Earth's hottest month on record, which comes on the heels of the news that 2014 was the hottest year on record, and the ten hottest years in recorded history have all occurred since 1997. We are all doomed to a pan-fried future—the "pan," being planet Earth, and the "fried" being our civilization—but all that really matters is that the lobsters are fleeing Long Island. Will no one consider the lobster[s]?
According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, last month's average temperature was 61.86 degrees Fahrenheit across the globe, which is the highest this planet's seen since the administration started recording temperatures in 1880. Not that scientists think things were any warmer pre-Industrial Revolution—indeed, NOAA says this might be the hottest month in 4,000 years, and 2015's on track to be the hottest year ever. But hey, keep air-conditioning those sidewalks! Pavement hates feeling sweaty.
Meanwhile, as the world burns, the Long Island Sound is getting too hot for lobsters, who are reportedly fleeing farther up north so they don't bake in the damn ocean. In 2013, commercial fisherman only netted 112 metric tons of lobster, as opposed to the 4,000 metric tons they picked up in 1996.
"The Long Island lobster population is in a tragic decline,” Adrienne Esposito, exeuctive director of Citizens Campaign for the Environment, told CBS 2. “One of the leading factors is the water temperature increase in the sound. And as it increases, it makes it inhospitable for the lobsters. They’re a cold-water species."
Other non-human creatures that are dying while our horrible species kills the Earth include bees, polar bears, sea turtles, GIANT PANDAS, elephants, whales, and these adorable penguins. Human dignity is also at risk, considering this man is in the running for leader of the free world.