A 24-year-old Cornell grad claims that a grabby granny pickpocketed him after they dry humped at the Hudson Hotel in midtown last weekend. Salvatore Lopes says the 70-something-year-old woman stole his credit cards and went on a spending spree—and it sounds like she may have stolen his heart too: “She didn’t look homeless or like a prostitute. She looked like somebody’s grandmother,” he told the News. This sounds like it could be the meet-cute part of an Adam Sandler remake of Harold and Maude.

Lopes and four friends were drinking at Hudson Hotel Saturday night when the woman zeroed in on them: “First she went up to my friends. They’re all bigger than I am and they kind of held her at bay,” said Lopes, a salesman for Coca-Cola. “She wanted to give them hugs. They were laughing and running away. Then she came over to me. She got a grip on me and she wouldn’t let go."

Hmm, his friends didn't have a problem turning her away, but Lopes says he was overpowered by the lust of a septuagenarian—doth the gentleman protest too much? “She was saying, I want to party with you. I want to spend Father’s Day with you. I’m like, ‘Oh my goodness.’ I put my hands up. I said, ‘You’re too old for me. You’re not my type.’ ” Despite not being his type, Lopes "gallantly" offered to buy her a drink at the Hudson Bar upstairs.

She left quickly though, and he discovered he had been duped: “That’s when I realized she took it while she was dry humping me,” he said. “But I didn’t feel a thing.” Or perhaps the problem was that he had felt too much. His friends are making fun of him now for getting taken. If only they could understand this wasn't just about losing the money, or the humiliation of getting ripped off by an elderly lady, or the awkwardness of dry humping a septuagenarian: “This is supposed to happen to them. They’re from out of town. I’m the New Yorker.”