Oh, why even bother? Unless you have a pressurized space suit you can zip yourself into before stepping outside into this infernal urban hellscape of the damned, you better be prepared to suffer. A heat advisory is in effect in New York City through 8 p.m. on Friday, and an air quality alert is in effect through 11:15 p.m. today. So if you do need to venture outside to go to your job to make money to pay the rent on the little room that holds your air conditioner, just try not to inhale! One deep breath before you pop the apartment door and RUN CRAWL.

According to the important people who issue these warnings and communicate only in capital letters, "A HEAT ADVISORY IS ISSUED FOR NEW YORK CITY WHEN HIGH HUMIDITY IS EXPECTED TO COMBINE WITH HOT TEMPERATURES TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS AT LEAST 95 DEGREES FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS OR 100 TO 104 DEGREES FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME." Also, "REMEMBER THAT SCENE IN TOTAL RECALL WHEN ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S HELMET BREAKS AND THE ATMOSPHERE ON MARS MAKES HIS HEAD BOIL? IT'S LIKE THAT BUT LESS PLEASANT."

And due to the crappy air quality, officials are urging everyone to avoid strenuous activity, particularly "PEOPLE WHO MAY BE ESPECIALLY SENSITIVE TO THE EFFECTS OF ELEVATED LEVELS OF POLLUTANTS INCLUDE THE VERY YOUNG, AND THOSE WITH PRE-EXISTING RESPIRATORY PROBLEMS SUCH AS ASTHMA OR HEART DISEASE." Until this evening, "AIR QUALITY LEVELS IN OUTDOOR AIR ARE PREDICTED TO BE GREATER THAN AN AIR QUALITY INDEX VALUE OF 100 FOR THE POLLUTANT OF GROUND LEVEL OZONE." There is a 99% chance of ALL CAPS through Saturday.

Yesterday the New York Medical Examiner’s office announced the first heat-related fatality of the summer. The death of an unidentified 57-year-old Staten Island man on July 8th has been determined to have been caused by the heat. Temperatures on that day reached a high of 89 with a humidity level of 87 percent. The Wall Street Journal reports:

All heat-related deaths are not counted the same way, according to the New York City Medical Examiner’s office. If extreme heat, for example, causes a fatal heart attack, it is not necessarily counted as a heat-related death. It’s only when the person’s body temperature goes above 105 degrees that the primary cause of death is listed as “exposure to elevated environmental temperature,” said Ellen Borakove, a spokeswoman for the city medical examiner.

Nevertheless, we're not going to let today's warnings stop us from enjoying Enter the Dragon in Brooklyn Bridge Park tonight. We see nothing in the park's rules prohibiting us from bringing our own kiddie pool filled with ice water, Tibetan prayer flags, and Benzedrine. For more on how to survive the heat wave, here are eight essential tips.