Subway ridership is at record highs and the MTA needs billions of dollars to keep the wheels on and the condoms off, but Albany could give two cheap-suited shits. Who will devise a capital budget for the busiest transit system in the world? A fucking tree frog? In this spirit of Doing More With Less, the MTA is trying to speed up train times by tearing apart our most sacred subterranean marriage. "Please stand clear," say goodbye to "of the closing doors, please."

In April, we noted that the station announcements had been abridged to reduce the amount of "dwell time" the trains rack up along the route. But those recordings still contained the words of the kindly man in his finest '50s fedoraese: "Stand clear of the closing doors, please."

Apparently that didn't save enough dwell time. Now, we have his female counterpart telling us to "Please stand clear."

MTA spokesman Adam Lisberg has confirmed that the agency is testing out the abbreviated announcements on the 5 and 2 lines.

"We’re hoping they will shave 2-3 seconds off station stops," Lisberg writes in an email. "The intent is to see how this works in practice and then decide how/whether to expand. We’re doing that with all the other short-term ideas we’ve announced to move trains faster."

Enjoy that sweet, syrupy, Harry Partchian warning while you still can.

In three years it'll just be a hawk scream.