As New York City sits on the precipice of what is projected to be the most bedbug infested summer in recent memory, our leaders, pesticides, and Gods have failed to protect us from the impervious parasites. All that's left to do now is let them wash over us like that awesome scene in The Mummy. Wait—what's that in the distance? Oh my, could it be? It's insurance companies to the rescue! How does that ACTUARY POWER taste, you bloodsucking scum!
Massive insurance company Aon Risk Solutions is teaming up with commercial property insurer Global Excess Partners and the nation's largest pest control service Terminix, to offer the "first ever bed bug insurance solution for hotels, landlords, student housing, corporate businesses and leisure travelers."
Wait what about tenants? We're saved!
In a press release that begins "From Nuisance To Bottom Line Pest," the companies note that the insurance will cover the cost to eliminate the bedbugs and "recover lost revenue" due to an infestation. They also boast of a "new, non-toxic elimination treatment that can return a room to service in five days or less" (fire? kryptonite? an eagle talon dipped in monkey blood?). While the rates haven't been announced, and there's nothing for renters ("programs for additional industries are being explored") we can all sleep tight knowing that the poachers of our warm, rich, McDonald's-fed blood are no match for a bunch of lawyers and risk-assessment managers.