Inside Romney's White House Lunch With Obama: An Exclusive Gothamist Transcript

Christopher Robbins

Published Nov 29, 2012

Modified Nov 29, 2012

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As we previously mentioned, President Obama and Mitt Romney had a lunch date today at the White House. No press was allowed during the meeting, though a release from the Obama administration stated that they ate "white turkey chili and Southwestern grilled chicken salad." Thankfully, Gothamist's deeply embedded surveillance drones monitored the goings on in the West Wing, so we can knowledgably break down the bureaucratic niceties of the press release to show you what really happened.

This afternoon, President Obama and Governor Romney visited for an hour over lunch in the Private Dining Room adjacent to the Oval Office.

President Obama: How long has Mitt been waiting?

Aide: Fifteen minutes, sir.

Obama: Alright. Give it another fifteen. I don't want to see any bullshit on FOX about how he was only here for 30 minutes.

Governor Romney congratulated the President for the success of his campaign and wished him well over the coming four years.

Romney:*Walking into Oval Office* Mr. President, thanks for having me.

Obama: My pleasure, Governor. Thanks for coming.

Romney:*Whistles* Gosh, so this is what the inside of Santa's workshop looks like.

Obama: I beg your pardon?

Romney: It's just amazing that all those wonderful gifts you're giving to the people of this country all originate here. I just can't—uhhhnnhggnnnnn.

*GOVERNOR ROMNEY SLUMPS TO FLOOR, TRANQUILIZER DART PROTRUDING FROM HIS NECK*

Obama: Good shot, Phil.

Secret Service Agent: Thank you, Mr. President.

The focus of their discussion was on America's leadership in the world and the importance of maintaining that leadership position in the future.

Romney: So you'd fuck Prime Minister Shinawatra, marry Carla Bruni, and kill Paula Broadwell? Damn! That's harsh. She's a journalist—an American!

Obama: Well, wouldn't be the first time I've killed an American citizen.

*UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER*

They pledged to stay in touch, particularly if opportunities to work together on shared interests arise in the future.

Obama: So let me get this straight, you can write that car elevator off on your taxes?

Romney: Sure, why not? I'll give you the name of my accountant once you're out of here. Wouldn't advise contacting him before 2016, though. He only accepts bullion.