The NYPD has released a new version of the "Best Practices for Nightlife Establishments," a guide to help nightclub owners spot criminal activity. In addition to offering advice about preventing sexual assaults and handling a crime scene, this edition of the guide has a completely new section all about spotting terrorists. You can read it in full below, but here are the main things bouncers are being told to watch out for:

Visible wires or tape; two or more people communicating and trying not to be observed; a suspect whose presence or behavior is inconsistent with the time or place; individuals who are obviously disguised; individuals with obvious signs of extreme stress or nervousness, such as bulging veins in the neck, profuse sweating, shaking hands, touching the face continuously, involuntary motions, apathy, distant stare or unfocused gazing, feeling the body continuously; and individuals whose speech includes stuttering, mumbling or chanting, or are hesitant or unresponsive.

Let's see: visible wires... profuse sweating and shaking hands... apathy and mumbling? Are they looking for terrorists or bloggers? Because this sounds like the kind of behavior observed on a daily basis around the office, amirite? Especially the "feeling the body continuously"... Look, just because we touch ourselves a lot, does that mean we hate freedom? Does our "extreme stress" make us seem like we want to blow some shit up? Actually, don't answer that.

Robert Bookman, the legal counsel for the New York Nightlife Association, tells us, "We're trying to get this terrorist awareness into the lexicon so security guards know when they should feel comfortable calling the police. There is also a new section on sexual assault awareness. The most notorious incidents in the past few years have had to do with young women leaving establishments intoxicated with someone they didn't come in with." Someone like, say, a bouncer?

So here's the whole guide, and it's about time. The takeaway: Next time you're rolling with your crew at Marquee (does that still exist?) just try not to chant and sweat so much. It's not just a turn-off, it's a red flag.

Best Practices Nightlife 2d Ed 2011