None of the city's beaches are squeaky clean, per se, but they also probably won't kill you, according to a report released today by the Natural Resources Defense Council.

Beaches were ranked on a basis of one to five stars, with five stars earning the designation of a "Superstar" beach. Spoiler: There are no Superstar beaches in New York. Several beaches did, however, earn four stars, including Coney Island between Brighton 6th Street to Ocean Parkway and Ocean Parkway to West 8th Street (both were assessed separately), and Rockaway Beach from 116th Street to 126th Street in Queens. Long Beach in Nassau County was also awarded four stars.

The dirtiest beaches in the city can be found in the Bronx, with 15 percent of water samples violating health standards. Queens County came in second with a 7 percent violation rate, and Kings County the cleanest at 5 percent. When it comes to overall beachwater quality, New York state ranks "22th" out of 30. Yes, 22th [sic]!

Swimming in a contaminated beach can result in an array of ailments: Stomach flu, skin rashes, pinkeye, ear, nose and throat problems, dysentery, hepatitis, respiratory ailments, neurological disorders and, for those who are old, young or already sickly, death!

The report found that the most significant cause of pollution is overflow of sewage systems, which can occur after a scant tenth of an inch of rain and results in 30 billion gallons of spillover each year—in the city alone. A plan, finalized in spring of 2012, will hopefully help combat...that, using porous pavement, green roofs, sidewalk tree boxes and increased green space, which will reduce the amount of rainfall absorbed by the fragile sewer system. Obviously, Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc on the beaches, ultimately dumping more than 5 billion gallons of untreated and partially treated sewage into New York's waters.

“No one wants to go swimming in sewage on their summer vacation,” said NRDC senior attorney Lawrence Levine said in a in the most uncontroversial statement in the history of press releases. “Polluted water is not only bad for people’s health, but bad for local business in beach communicates." [Editor's note: Did he mean to write 'communities'?] "By tackling contamination at its source—stormwater runoff—we can help prevent a trip to the shore from turning into a trip to the doctor.”

All of which is to say, cooling off at the beach is probably still more sanitary than taking a dip at McCarren Park pool. But if you really want to avoid water-induced hepatitis, you should just stick to the safety of your own shower. Or move to New Hampshire.