Montauk, blessed by cool Hollywood in 2004 and discovered by intrepid Times style section reporters in 2012, has recently been besieged by hipsters, all of whom appear to be having drunk sex outside the local fishing tackle shops. Now residents are fighting back against these fornicating transplants, calling for the town to shut down nightclubs and stop serving alcohol after 2 a.m.
A group appropriately dubbed the Montauk Locals stormed an East Hampton Town Board meeting yesterday in hopes of stemming some of the inebriated banging and other alcohol-induced activity that's been plaguing their town. "They are an invasive species — and we need pest control!" one resident said of the young people who flood Montauk on weekends.
In addition to making sex on one another "on the side of the road"—indeed, science suggests hipsters prefer to mate with one another in public spaces, backed by an Arcade Fire album from 2008—visitors are also peeing in bushes, making noise, and trashing the street. At least the Lower East Side is getting a break!
Montauk Locals want the town to cut off bar boozers at 2 a.m., shut down any particularly wild nightclubs, tow illegally parked cars, and force weekend renters to register with the city. And it does sound like police have enough to work with here—on Friday night, Montauk police reportedly issued 21 parking tickets, 12 traffic tickets, and 23 summonses for violations of the town code. One person was arrested for allegedly driving drunk, but that individual's hipster credentials have not been confirmed.
"[The town] has just exploded, and law enforcement just can’t deal with it. You have a lot of loud, obnoxious people," one resident fumed to the Post. "There are people who go out to these clubs and then come out and wander all over the streets." And once the Montauk clubs close at 2, these hipsters are going to be so confused they'll just quietly disperse back to Brooklyn and fornicate in the streets there. PROBLEM SOLVED.