Thanks to a pair of straw poll wins and an ingenious "9-9-9 Plan" that is akin to punching the poor and middle class in their faces nine times every nine seconds for the next nine decades, Herman Cain is now giving Mitt a run for his money in the GOP presidential field. This means his positions are getting more scrutiny, including his ideas about foreign policy. Daniel Drenzer over at Foreign Policy takes a look at Cain's website and finds "a total of five paragraphs on 'national security.' That's it." Yes, but historians will soon clamor for these brave, five paragraphs to appear under the bulletproof glass with the Declaration of Independence.

Please make sure you have tissues on hand, as these words will make you weep openly with joy (also, put some plastic wrap over your keyboard because the gushing tears will make your computer break, with joy).

The primary duty of the President of the United States is to protect our people. In fact, it is the principal duty of a limited federal government. They must ensure that our military and all of our security agencies are strong and capable.

Drenzer takes issue with Cain using "they" as a pronoun for the President. What egghead Drenzer doesn't understand is that the office of the President actually consists of Stunt Presidents, the many body doubles and lookalikes that are used when the Real President gets sleepy or gassy or whatever, and just can't show up to stuff. Herman Cain knows these things! So yeah, they'll all protect us. (Also if you look like Herman Cain call up Herman Cain's office, he needs to start stockpiling Stunt Presidents ASAP.)

Unfortunately, national security has become far too politicized with our elected officials using the issue as a means to polarize our country as the “war hawks” and the “peace doves.” In response, the safety and morale of our brave men and women in uniform are often at risk for political gain. The judgment of our military experts on the ground is often underutilized in exchange for political purposes. National security isn’t about politics. It’s about defending America.

This is pretty on-the-money. People really need to stop talking about Hawks and Doves, like they do all the time, everywhere. This is "politics." And our generals' opinions are constantly "underutilized!" What does General John Allen think about that new Cream album that just came out? Isn't 2001: A Space Odyssey just really weird? Oh wait, this paragraph is actually from the Barry Goldwater campaign website.

While diplomacy is a critical tool in solving the complex security issues we face, it must never compromise military might. Because we are such a free and prosperous people, we are the envy of the world. Many regimes seek to destroy us because they are threatened by our ideals, and they resent our prosperity. We must acknowledge the real and present danger that terrorist nations and organizations pose to our country’s future.

Sure we might look "free" and happy, eating our Lean Pockets and blasting Ke$ha, for Freedom. But under that happy guise is fear. Fear of all the dozens and dozens of countries that want to destroy us. As soon as they make themselves known, we'll "acknowledge" them.

Further, we must stand by our friends and we must not be fooled by our enemies. We should never be deceived by terrorists. They only have one objective, namely, to kill all of us. We must always remain vigilant in dealing with adversaries.

And not just all those Facebook friends that America has accrued over the years: Cain's talking about that dude you knew from summer camp who now teaches gym at St. Mary's and doesn't even have a Facebook account. America must stand with him as well. This country is constantly trying to be fooled by its enemies. When Iran says "Assphinctersayswhat?" America must not say "what?"

We must support our military with the best training, equipment, technology and infrastructure necessary to keep them in a position to win. We must also provide our men and women in uniform, our veterans and their families with the benefits they deserve for their tremendous sacrifice. These heroes have served us. We must never forget to serve them.

Try and find fault with this paragraph. You can't! Soliders will be proud to serve President Cain, in the many, many wars he will beget through pronunciation diplomacy.